This day five years ago, my world and mental health took a straight and sudden dive, all from one call, one big loss. Well, in reality, I got the call on the 21st, but somewhere there I already knew. Call it intuition, call it a leading or gut feeling, but deep down I knew something had changed. So, the call was only a confirmation, but even at that, it was a huge blow.

I remember every single detail from the moment I had the call and everything that followed. I had just gotten back from a class; my roommates were having their usual bants when the call came in and I watched everything crumble before my eyes. Being an excellent introvert with lots of responsibilities at the time, it was just easy and convenient to lock things up and get busy. I guess at that point, it did seem like most of the people who knew at the point were struggling to keep it together and so I couldn’t afford not to keep it together, at least just for a while. So, I ended up comforting some when I was the one needing comfort. Deep down, I was a big mess, while outside I was the ‘strong’ man.

At this time, I had lost every interest in school, and this was so close to my last days in school. I was on full-blown autopilot mode. I blocked out every time from thinking to keep busy. So even when the funeral came, I was there but not there. It was so bad that I was a pretend videographer at my mom’s funeral, just because I didn’t want to process anything. As life will have it, I got back from the funeral and came back to school the very next day.

I wasn’t interested in school or the degree I was studying for. All I could do about school was to tell God that I didn’t care about this school and whatnot. “Just let me graduate and go because if I don’t, I am dropping out. And even if I do graduate, I am not using this certificate for anything because it isn’t mine”. So, when the results came out and I was on the list of graduates, it wasn’t victory but ‘okay, next’.

For over a year, I stayed away from home. I still remember the first Christmas after the funeral. I had forced myself to go home because I hadn’t since the funeral. On that Christmas day, I went home, stayed a few hours trying to deflect the memories, and immediately it seemed like the memories were catching up, I stood up, lied I needed to be back that same day, and left home very late in the night, just because I knew a night at home meant the memories I was running from were finally going to catch up.

It took a full year of running to finally get caught. It was the first-year remembrance and coincidentally my NYSC CDS day. This time, however, I woke up to the memories waiting and there was no running. Of course, I had times in the past where I cried in hiding, most especially when life was being life and I felt I was drowning. This day however was different. With my hand, I played back the video I made from the funeral while dressed in my khaki, and from the house to the road where I could get a bike to CDS, I cried my eyes out while I walked on the road, with a headphone playing the one song ( I am not alone (radio version)- Kari Jobe ) that had held me on through the one year. Even on the bike, I cried.

All my hard guy stance had at this point given way to deep profound reality. After that CDS, I went straight to my church, lay on the altar, and cried till I passed out. However, when I did wake up, I woke up different. I stood up, walked out to the open ground within the compound, and prayed till the sadness I felt gave way to pure joy that got me jumping and screaming.

5years after, and I can say life is finding some balance. It doesn’t hurt as much, but again the marks are always there. This is always going to be a part of my story and I have come to live it regardless. So, for anyone who is in a similar fix, or still struggling to come to terms with a loss, you won’t drown, trust me. You’ve got a Father who has got you and won’t let you drown. Just hang on and breathe through the process. Healing is part of the children’s bread, no matter how long you run, healing is still yours.

And on the bright side, you now have multiple parents watching down from heaven, saying to each other, that’s my son, that’s my daughter. How nice, isn’t it?

This one is dedicated to everyone who has experienced loss in any form and still struggling to stay afloat. You will be fine; you will not drown.